Apres moi le deluge

onward and upward

Well, I’m saying goodbye. Either out of envy, or motivation, or a desire for growth, but this will be my last entry in this particular blog. It’s been running strong for an entire US Presidency, but I want to start clean. A clean slate with a shiny new Taylor and shiny new perspectives. In a shiny new life. One which, I’ve realized in the last couple of weeks, is superior than my last. Than this one, so to say. All harshness aside. Maybe that’s my motivation to start anew. My new life doesnt need to be smushed up against this one. Like putting your diamond necklace on the back of the toilet. That’s not where it belongs. It belongs nestled gently atop it’s satin resting place in my mahogany jewelry box. To be cherished and appreciated for all the happiness it brings me. 

Shiny and new.

I’m happy. I’m extremely happy.

man, this blog never stops

This little chunk of internet has been with me for a long time now. From 18 year old insecurities, to my marriage, to my honeymoon, to my divorce. To my fragile, young years of deciding in what manner I want to integrate into society. What makes me happiest. What irks me. What I believe in.

The latter four of my list seem like they would be the easiest to determine. Everyone must know what makes them happy, right? What they believe in and how they protect it? These are just simple, basic concepts that individuals intertwine into their character. But how simple and basic is anything at this age? In this world? With all the variables being thrown from every direction, I just want to bash my head on the table.

Like this little diddy that has been bouncing around my brain for a hot minute. Can you believe in something you contradict? Can I believe that it’s wrong to be lied to, but not wrong to lie? Or course not. Right?

It wasnt even but 4 months ago that I believed that if I was every betrayed by a lover, I would leave them. Without hesitation. Lose my number, forget my name, have a lovely life. This reaction was based off the fact that if they were willing to be with someone else, then they werent for me. Right? Right??

And then we throw in the wrench of “mistakes.” The idea of redemption. Of understanding, and empathy. Why do people forgive? Because they see the faults of their own character reflected in the people they interact with? Because it stares them back in the face? And we all want forgiveness, because we all need it.

Now flip the coin. Why do people hold grudges? Or even less intense, why do these waves of anger and pain erupt through the “forgiveness” that my brain is presenting? Is it a lack of closure? Or do I want to be the victim? Is the opportunity to take advantage of a situation too tantalizing to let pass by? Or is it my ego, still disgusted by coming in 2nd place? I’m worth it, am I not?

Really, its all of these things. The mind is too complex to exist without paradox. Because I desire the justice that comes with being wronged, but I also desire the peace of relieving my heart of the pain.

And so we come to a crossroads. What part of my complexity do I want to utilize? What do I believe in? Do I believe in forgiveness? Or do I believe in justice? Is one any better than the other?

What kind of person am I?

Who am I?

ah, my cyber therapist

If by therapist, I mean the place where I dump my superficial sorrows, then yes.

I guess I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I’ve been treated this way. And I guess I’ve at least experienced it. And I guess…well, I guess everything. I’ve been guessing for a long time now. Maybe it’ll work out this way. Maybe it wont at all. Maybe it’s not supposed to. But I’ve become so accustomed to this “shoot into the dark” way of life, that my mind and my heart are beginning to act out of response…and not creation. Maybe I need to take the proverbial reigns and try to steer this out-of-control, wild horse of a world I’m living in.

And then, the flip side. (as there always is one) Whether or not this is a good thing or not is beyond me, but I’m slowly becoming emotionally invincible. And I think this only comes from acting out of response. From standing there and taking the punches, instead of dodging and fighting back. Is this more my style? Just an impenetrable wall built out of focus and self sacrifice? Accepting every injustice and blessing as they were alike?

Something tells me I’m going to be beating my head against a wall over these questions for the rest of my life. A constant, uphill journey. Like a blind woman navigating an over-stimulating world. Wondering what comes next. Wondering if what I do now will effect what I do later. If it’s the right choice. The “right” choice. What does that even mean? The choice that steers me in the direction of contentment? Happiness? Peace? Is there a path that leads to that? A finish line? Or is it just an extremely bumpy trail with the occassional plateu? Stillness..just long enough to catch your breath. Long enough to prepare yourself for the next drop off.

Or maybe I’m just writing a bunch of things in my tumblr. Guess I’m still just acting out of response.

guess.

again?

My life is, again, in in chaos. And, again, I’m putting it back together.

I hope I stop this vicious cycle soon. I’ll die young, otherwise

Of all the things happening right now, I’m only absorbing a fraction of them. Including sight, sounds, emotion and comprehension. And at the end of the day, that’s very comforting. God bless our conscious filter. God, or whoever else is in control of all this.

I’m to the point of entire bottles of wine..

hello tumblr

God bless my Tumblr. An internet haven for me to drop all of my doubts and insecurities and bad times. People rarely write about the good times, but that’s because the good times dont violently bounce around in your brain. The good times sit comfortably in your heart, keeping you warm. Keeping you optimistic.

The good times come with bad times, sure. It’s the balancing act of the universe. The cosmic equillibrium. The fuckin reason we’re here, or something like that.

But today, I feel like shit. Plain and simple. I feel like I’m beating my head against the proverbial wall, and not even making a dent. All I have now is a headache. A headache and a spirit full of doubt. I’m not too worried about it though. I’ve felt like this before. Everyone has. And no matter how much my short attention span refuses to believe it, I know I wont feel like this tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. Or even next week, but the point is, the good times are just as inevitable as the bad. Today, I feel like hell. But I’m going to go to work, maybe drink some whiskey, go home tonight, go to bed, and then tomorrow happens. And this is going to happen until the day I dont wake up. And even in that sadness, I still find solace in knowing that there will be a tomorrow after that day too.

Embrace the inevitable, I guess.

round 2?

Its been a while since I questioned what I bring to the table. Its not a good feeling. But I’ve got a nice apathetic facade going that’s causing, at least, a placebo effect.

One day I’ll be confident in the fact that all I can be is myself, and maybe I’ll stop the subconscious competitions.

Bad juju.

Remember

Taylor, your goal in life is to be everything you’ve ever wanted to be. Its going to take a lifetime, but its entirely in your reach. To be complete is attainable, and that’s the beauty is existence.

Ugh.

smitten.

rambles in the school computer lab

Well, my life is unbelievably complicated, as usual. But I’m starting to realize that it is always going to be like this. Life is overwhelming in general. Whether you’re 4 years old, or you’re in school, or you’re rich or poor or beautiful or hideous. Life is always going to be complicated. It’s in our nature. It’s one of the side effects of having one of the most complex masses of tissue in the universe crammed into our skulls. We get bored. Whether or not we are aware, we get bored, and we complicate things. Or we at least make ourselves believe they’re complicated. Along with this realization comes the apathy toward trying to simplify things. Trying to simplify things is just another form of making them more complicated.

It helps, though. Knowing that these complications are a constant. It brings relief. “Ease of mind.” It gives me the ability to let go. Which is another thing humans have trouble with. Rendering control. But as soon as you can realize that nothing you do will change any of this, you can kick back and float down the river like you always wanted to.

One day I hope to be an unyielding, stronghold of calmness. It’s as close as a human can come to being invincible. To be completely untouchable. To let life’s big, scary decisions bounce off your shoulders. To laugh at the idea of people being angry, or jealous, or greedy. To be so far away from those natural human tendencies, they’re nothing but a faint whisper in my frontal lobe. This is my goal. Be it for me, or my parents, or my friends, or my unborn children…but my goal is to be better. 

And the way things are going lately, it seems like the only worthwhile thing to focus on.

I ain’t got a thing to do besides sittin around thinking of you.